Posted on August 20, 2024 by Ruth Barz, tLMHC
Marriage & Relationships
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If we are honest, most goodbyes involve some type of grief. We may be seeing that person tomorrow or weeks from now, but there is some sadness that the goodness of our present time together is over.
This time of year, our goodbye may be to our child who is headed off to college or who is moving to another state or another country for a new job. Maybe our child just got married, and the reality hits that they will never live in our home again. Perhaps you and your family are the ones moving to another location, and it means saying goodbye to dear friends and/or family. These goodbyes can be painful and hard to know how to handle. We may feel the pain physically, saying, “my heart hurts,” and tears might be constantly close to the surface. Some people hate goodbyes so much that they avoid them and try to leave quietly or put them off as long as possible.
I will never forget the August of 10 years ago when my husband and I, and our two youngest children said goodbye to our oldest daughter who was heading to Taiwan to do mission work, and we knew we would not see her for at least nine months (little did we know she would live overseas for six years). Two weeks later we took our two youngest children to college in a town seven hours away to start the next phase of their lives. Even though I knew my children were exactly where they needed to be, my heart was breaking, as it felt like overnight 22 years of mothering full time was done and none of my children would be easy to visit.
There is nothing that takes away the sadness of goodbyes, but we can keep in mind that preparing to stay connected as we prepare to say goodbye is how to say goodbye well. Here are a few ideas to keep in mind as you prepare to say goodbye.
Before your loved one leaves, find out as much as you can about where they are going. Ask questions. Be interested in what they will be doing and what they are looking forward to about the move. If you are the one moving, learn as much as you can about the new town, job, and living space. Share this with those you are leaving behind. The more you can picture the person in the new place the better you will feel.
Pray for those moving and with them. If you are moving, have others pray with you. Regularly exchange prayer requests with those you miss. Jesus Christ knows our sorrows, and He knows the joys and challenges that will be ahead. As you pray for your loved one’s safety, care, and daily life, you will be reminded that God has them (as well as you) in the palm of His hand. God will notice and will comfort you every time you miss them and grieve their absence.
Before the person leaves, spend time together as best you can. Make memories and say the important things you want to say. If there are any rifts in your relationship, with God’s help do all you can to resolve them.
Talk to the person leaving about how you are feeling. It is okay to say you are sad or grieving, nervous or anxious about the separation. Let them know you support them in their leaving. Ask them how they feel. It will be normal for them to be somewhat anxious about their new life and the changes they will be experiencing and yet also excited about this time of new adventures.
Even if they have mixed feelings about the move or about going to college, this is not a sign that it is the wrong decision. Anxiety is normal with any big change. Talking about how each of you are feeling is important because the more we try to shove our feelings aside or be critical of their existence, the more our feelings grow and take over in importance. When we can acknowledge that there is sadness and excitement, we experience more balance and integration.
It can be helpful to plan out what you want the goodbye to look like – a fun meal together before they leave? Send them with a letter of encouragement and blessing? Pray with them before they leave? How will you stay in touch? A weekly zoom or FaceTime? Be careful to let the person leaving have time to settle in and start living in the new place.
Curt Thompson, a Christian psychiatrist, talks about purposeful and planned goodbyes which give us a greater sense of remembrance. We create a memory that is important. Thompson says that healthy goodbyes do not ignore the goodbye and don’t cover up the hurt or pain or avoid the hard conversations. Healthy goodbyes include:
Even though goodbyes are difficult, as Christians we know we are never alone. In Hebrews 13:5 we read that God says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Psalm 121:8 says, “The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Psalm 139 reminds us there is nowhere we can go that the Lord is not with us. In the deepest depths, the highest heaven, on the far side of the sea, in darkness, in light God sees us. He made us and He knows us. He will not leave us — or our loved one — no matter where they are headed.
Ruth sees clients at Lutheran Family Service’s Dubuque, Iowa office, and is available one day a week at the Bettendorf office, and throughout the state of Iowa via telehealth.
If you or someone you know is in need of Christ-centered mental health or marriage counseling, refer to or contact us today.
Not located near Dubuque or Bettendorf, Iowa? Visit our website to see if one of our other locations is near you, or, if telehealth/distance counseling is an option at: lutheranfamilyservice.org/mental-health-counseling.
Lutheran Family Service walks with those experiencing difficult times through mental health counseling, marriage counseling, crisis pregnancy counseling, and adoption services.
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