It is obvious these days that we live in the digital age. We have everything right at our fingertips and instant access to much more than ever before. You have probably wondered what your tweens or teens are seeing as they browse the internet or scroll through their phones. Unfortunately, because of the easy access, “it’s not a matter of if, but a matter of when” your child will see porn.

According to Christianity.com, age 11 is the average age a child is first exposed to porn. And, 94 percent of children will see porn by the age of 14. This shocking statistic is the unfortunate reality, and most of those children, 1 in 10, don’t think that porn is a bad thing (Vibrant Christian Living).

Discussing sexuality and porn with your child can seem like a challenge. However, it’s better to help set a firm foundation in God’s truth for sexuality before they encounter porn than after they’ve been exposed. Use the six tips and resources below as a guide to talking with your child about porn.

Six Tips to Talk to your Child about Porn

1. Start young. This is not something that can wait. Experts suggested talking to your children as early as age 8 or 9 depending on their level of potential exposure from technology and people in their lives. Talk to them in language that they understand. Set a foundation of honesty with your kids, and be honest when they ask you questions. You can answer their questions in a way that is age appropriate, but still telling the truth. This sets up a good dialogue, and your child will feel comfortable coming to speak to you in the future about the things they may see or have questions about. That goal is to be proactive, prepare them for the inevitable, and teach them strategies to deal with it.

2. Be casual. Your tone sets the stage. If you get flustered or angry at your child asking questions, they may not return to you for future questions. Approach the conversation as a teacher, or a caretaker. Your son or daughter may have already seen porn or been exposed, but discussing it calmly and rationally, you can converse over what has been seen. Don’t shame your kids for being curious about sex. Teach them that healthy sexual desire is normal, but that sex is intended to be a wonderful gift of intimacy for a husband and wife to share. Always direct kids back to God’s truths when talking about porn, namely that they can never step outside His great love for them. Let them know that even when they mess up, God wants to forgive them and give them a fresh start.

3. Let them ask questions. Your kids, like all kids, and very curious about sex. Prepare to get comfortable with not being comfortable. The more you encourage curiosity and question asking, the more comfortable they will be coming to you for answers. Not knowing the answer is also ok. Be honest and tell them “I really am not sure about that, but let’s see if we can find that answer together.”

4. Share resources and learn together. There are several porn blocking software programs and apps for computers, smartphones, tablets and other electronic devices. The two that we often recommend are “Bark” and “Covenant Eyes.” While these porn blocking tools are excellent, there is simply no way to block out every source of porn exposure for your child. The best defense is always going to be you. For additional resources, head to Josh McDowell’s website, josh.org. There are great resources for discussing sexuality and porn with your child.

5. Talk with Lutheran Family Service. Let us share even more great information and resources with you about the dangers of pornography. One of our newest presentations for churches and youth groups is the topic of pornography. Contact us through our web form to have a member of our ministry team visit your youth group or church and start the discussion.

6. Be in constant prayer. Talking these things out with God usually offers a sense of calm and helps point you in the direction you need to start. Pray for their development of a healthy and God-pleasing sexuality. Pray for good Christian influences in their friends, friends’ parents, older siblings, and other adults and children in their lives.

We live in a world that can be scary at times, but having these proactive discussions and putting strategies in place can help take some of that scariness away. At all times, direct your child back to God’s truth and God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness for any mistakes they make along the way. Don’t forget to let your child know of your endless love for them. And that no matter what they do, you’ll always be there for them.

Bethany Kuhlmann DCE
Congregational Services
Lutheran Family Service