Posted on November 8, 2024 by Karen Gotto, LMHC
Marriage & Relationships
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When I was training to get my counseling degree, I got the chance to intern at a treatment center for people struggling with addictions. They often did a group activity that I liked so much that I adapted it to use with my kids, extended family (at times at holidays when things were going awry), and even a few times with my Sunday school class. My son labeled it the “Positive Circle”.
It’s a simple activity that you do with a group, which can be as small as three people but it’s much more effective in a bigger group. Participants sit in a circle with each person taking a turn in the middle. (With a family group, it’s okay for it to be less of a circle if done in a living room setting – just as long as the person in the middle moves around the room to stand directly in front of each member of the group when it is their turn).
The person in the middle is the subject of positivity. They are asked to keep their hands to their sides and make eye contact with each member of the circle when it is that member’s turn. The only response allowed and expected is “thank you.”
The members of the circle are expected, one-by-one, to make eye contact with the person in the middle and give a sincere compliment with no negativity added. The first time, it’s important to explain what a “sincere compliment” is to the group by giving examples. For instance, comments about their clothing or generic statements such as, “I like you” are not allowed.
Sincere compliments are specific, like: “You are a good listener,” or, “You tell good jokes.” Also, they can’t be double messages that include negatives, like: “You’re fun to be around when you aren’t a jerk,” or “You’re pretty when you comb your hair.” Each person in the circle needs to come up with a different compliment. No dittos or repeating what you have heard someone else say.
Because I’m usually the one to mediate the activity, it’s my job to make sure the compliment was sincere with no negativity and the person in the middle didn’t try not to accept the compliment. If you’re the taking that role, remember to have fun but also strictly enforce these two important aspects of the activity.
And don’t forget to take your turn in the middle! Everyone must participate for it to be a true bonding experience.
It seems simple and easy until you try it yourself. I come from a family of very sarcastic people, so the rules had to be explained and reinforced often. But once they got it, it was amazing to see how quickly each one responded positively to both sides: they enjoyed both giving and receiving real, genuine, sincere compliments.
Schedule a family night or a youth group event and try the Positivity Circle as part of your evening. Messages shared will stay with people long after it’s over!
Karen sees clients at Lutheran Family Service’s Carroll and Jefferson, Iowa offices, and throughout the state of Iowa via telehealth.
If you or someone you know is in need of Christ-centered mental health or marriage counseling, refer to or contact us today.
Not located near the Carroll or Jefferson area? Visit our website to see if one of our other locations is near you, or, if telehealth/distance counseling is an option at: lutheranfamilyservice.org/mental-health-counseling.
Lutheran Family Service walks with those experiencing difficult times through mental health counseling, marriage counseling, crisis pregnancy counseling, and adoption services.
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