This post is part of our “Talking with Your Child About Adoption” series from Lutheran Family Service — offering Christ-centered support for adoptive families.

Talking with Your Child about Adoption: Conversations at Every Age to Build Understanding and Connection

As children grow, so does their understanding of the world around them — and their own unique story. Adoption is not a one-time conversation but a journey of ongoing dialogue, growing deeper and more meaningful over time.

In this article, we’ll walk through how to talk about adoption at each stage of your child’s development, offering simple tools to help you build connection, identity, and trust at every age.

As Christian parents, we have the incredible privilege to remind our children that they are wonderfully created by God, placed into families by His loving hand, and cherished beyond measure.

Infants & Toddlers (0–2 years)

Start early. Practice early. Even though your baby cannot yet understand words, you are building the foundation for lifelong openness.

• Incorporate the word “adoption” naturally into daily life.
• Say loving affirmations like,

“We are so happy God made you part of our family through adoption!”

• Begin talking about their birth parents with respect and love, even during simple daily routines.
• Practice your storytelling. Early on, you’re practicing for yourself as much as for your child, helping you become comfortable with the language of their story.

Tip: Buy a few children’s books about adoption and include them in your nighttime reading routine.

Preschoolers (3–5 years)

Preschoolers are curious and observant — they notice differences, ask questions, and want simple, direct answers.

• Use gentle, simple storytelling about adoption.
• Answer their questions briefly, positively, and honestly.
• Reassure them often: “You are loved and belong in our family forever.”

At this age, kids have short attention spans. Instead of one big conversation, aim for many small talks over time.

Remember: When in doubt, answer only the question asked, using the simplest explanation possible.

6 Things Your Adopted Child Should Know by Age 6:

1. They were adopted.
2. Adoption is a normal way for families to grow.
3. They were born to a mommy and daddy, just like all children.
4. Nothing they did caused their birth parents to place them for adoption.
5. You will always speak respectfully about their birth parents.
6. Their story is being gently, lovingly laid for them to understand in time.

Elementary Age (6–12 years)

Children in this stage begin to understand adoption on a deeper, more emotional level.

• Be ready for deeper questions about their story and birth family.
• Validate feelings of being “different” and reassure their belonging in your family.
• Provide age-appropriate details about their adoption as they express interest.

You may hear tender questions like:

• “Why didn’t my real mom keep me?”
• “I wish I grew in your tummy like everyone else.”

Important:
Even if a child stops talking about adoption for a time, it does not mean they aren’t thinking about it. Stay open, periodically bringing up their story in gentle ways.

If your child struggles or seems overwhelmed, it may be helpful to seek the support of an adoption-competent therapist.

Handling Fantasies About Birth Families

It’s normal for children — adopted or not — to imagine “ideal” families as they grow. In adoption, however, fantasies can become more complex because a birth family truly exists.

• If your child fantasizes about their birth family, don’t take it as a personal rejection.
• Avoid villainizing or idealizing birth parents.
• Continue to provide loving, truthful information as appropriate, helping your child distinguish fantasy from reality.

What if they say “real parents”?

Sometimes, even if you have always used the terms “birth parents,” children may say “real parents” — especially if they hear it from other kids.

Stay calm and gentle:

Child: “Why didn’t my real mom keep me?”
Parent: “I feel pretty real! But I know you mean your birth mom. She loved you very much, but couldn’t care for any baby at the time. She made a loving plan for you to be in our family.”

By modeling grace and preferred language, you show your child how to talk about adoption in a positive, secure way.

Teenagers (13+ years)

The teenage years bring deeper self-reflection and often more complex feelings about adoption.

• If you haven’t already shared all available details about your child’s adoption story, now is the time. Even the hard parts.
• Share both what you know and what you do not know with honesty.
• If your child’s birth parents made difficult choices, frame those choices within the realities of their lives — without casting blame — and affirm that your child is not “fated” to repeat those choices.

If the adoption story includes issues like addiction or instability, use those facts to open conversations about:

• The risks of drug and alcohol use
• Genetic factors that may increase risk
• How to make healthy, faith-guided choices for their own lives

Key reminders:

• Acknowledge your teen’s feelings of loss, confusion, anger, or gratitude as real and important.
• Keep emphasizing that they are deeply loved, not defined by their past, and called to a hopeful future by God.

By continuing honest, compassionate dialogue into the teenage years, you help your child walk their adoption journey with confidence, grace, and hope.

As Scripture reminds us:

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”
— Psalm 139:14 (ESV)

Every child — every story — is part of God’s beautiful design.

This article is part of our series, “Talking with Your Child About Adoption,” created to support adoptive families in navigating conversations with love, honesty, and Christ-centered compassion. Explore the full series to find practical tools, encouragement, and faith-filled guidance at every stage of your child’s journey:

• Talking with Your Child About Adoption: Why It Matters and When to Begin
• Talking with Your Child About Adoption: Adoption Conversations at Every Age
• Talking with Your Child About Adoption: Navigating Tough Questions
• Talking with Your Child About Adoption: Honoring Birth Parents and Telling Your Child’s Story