This post is part of our “Talking with Your Child About Adoption” series from Lutheran Family Service — offering Christ-centered support for adoptive families.

Talking with Your Child about Adoption: Honoring Birth Parents and Telling Your Child’s Story

As children grow and understand more about their adoption story, it’s natural for them to have questions about their birth parents.

Whether your adoption is open or closed, how you speak about birth parents — and how you frame your child’s story — plays a vital role in building their confidence, identity, and emotional security.

As Christian parents, we have the privilege to model grace, truth, and compassion — just as Christ extends to each of us.

In this article, we’ll explore how to honor birth parents in conversation, navigate different types of adoption, and support your child’s ongoing journey of discovery.

Addressing Curiosity About Birth Parents

It is natural — even healthy — for children to be curious about their birth parents.

• Validate their curiosity:
  “It’s okay to wonder about them. I’m always here if you want to talk or have questions.”

• Support open communication:
  Whether there is ongoing contact with birth parents or not, create a safe space where feelings and questions are welcomed without fear.

Key Point:
Affirm that while their birth parents are an important part of their story, they are deeply loved, cherished, and fully belonging in your family.

Openness vs. Privacy: Navigating Different Types of Adoption

Every adoption story is unique. Your family’s approach will depend on whether your adoption is open, semi-open, or closed.

Open Adoption

• Allows for some level of ongoing contact with birth parents.
• Helps answer children’s questions firsthand as they grow.
• Important to maintain age-appropriate communication and boundaries that prioritize your child’s emotional well-being.

Closed Adoption

• When little to no information is available, focus on sharing what you do know with honesty and care.
• If your child desires to learn more as they get older, be open to exploring safe options together — such as searching through adoption records, agencies, or DNA testing services when appropriate.

Regardless of the level of openness, your role remains the same: To provide reassurance, support, and a loving framework for understanding their story.

How to Frame the Story in a Positive and Respectful Way

When talking about birth parents, aim to speak with truth, grace, and dignity — even when parts of the story are difficult.

• • • Be Honest, But Kind:
      If difficult circumstances such as addiction or hardship played a role, present them gently, focusing on the fact that the decision was made out of love, not rejection.
    • Avoid Negative Language:
      Never speak poorly about birth parents. Instead, model respectful language that helps your child see their story — and themselves — in a positive light.
    • Affirm Their Worth:
      “Your birth parents loved you but were not able to care for a baby at the time. They made a very hard and loving decision to make sure you had a family who could.”

  Helping your child understand that their life began in love — even amid brokenness — allows them to embrace their story without shame.

  Using Resources to Support Your Child’s Story

  Tools like personalized lifebooks, children’s adoption stories, and culturally diverse books can help make adoption a visible, celebrated part of your family life.

  • Lifebooks: Create a special book telling your child’s story — including photos, memories, and milestones.
  • Books with Diverse Representation: Choose stories that reflect different types of adoption, family structures, and backgrounds.
  • Continued Learning: Seek out adoption workshops, online resources, or support groups to grow in understanding and support your child at every stage.

  Final Tips for Ongoing Conversations

  • Be Patient: Adoption conversations will evolve over time — be ready to listen, adapt, and respond with love.
  • Reinforce Love and Identity: Remind your child often that they are chosen, cherished, and securely placed in your family by God’s providence.
  • Celebrate Their Heritage: Especially in transracial adoptions, acknowledge and celebrate your child’s racial and cultural identity as part of God’s beautiful creation.
  • Support Sibling Relationships: If your child has biological siblings placed in other families, honor their connections and feelings with sensitivity and care.

  Most of all, continue telling your child, in words and actions,

  “Your story is precious. You are deeply loved — by us and by God.”

  As Scripture reminds us:

  “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
  — Romans 8:28 (ESV)

  Every adoption story — every life — is a testimony of God’s redeeming love working all things for His glory and for our good.

  This article is part of our series, “Talking with Your Child About Adoption,” created to support adoptive families in navigating conversations with love, honesty, and Christ-centered compassion. Explore the full series to find practical tools, encouragement, and faith-filled guidance at every stage of your child’s journey:

  • Talking with Your Child About Adoption: Why It Matters and When to Begin
  • Talking with Your Child About Adoption: Adoption Conversations at Every Age
  • Talking with Your Child About Adoption: Navigating Tough Questions
  • Talking with Your Child About Adoption: Honoring Birth Parents and Telling Your Child’s Story