What Can You Do For Us?

In our 18 years of ministry at four different churches, the question, “What can you do for us?” has come up more than once.

It’s as if my title of “wife” extends beyond our four walls and into the much larger church building. Did I also marry the church when I said our vows?

The answer is no.

I married my husband. No one else.

That said, where do we draw the line? What if we play the organ but don’t want to? What if we hate baking? Do we still have to bring food for the potluck? Do we have to lead the Sunday school program and clean the church building when needed?

For me, the answer is no.

I do what I want, what fits with my skills and abilities, and what I feel the Holy Spirit is leading me to do.

Supporting My Husband

When we visited our current church during the call process, I was asked that inevitable question: “What is it that you do as a pastor’s wife?”

My answer was the same as it has been since our first call:

“My job is to support my husband.”

Full stop.

Does that look different for everyone? Of course.

In our current season of life, supporting my husband looks like taking care of our kids and handling the bedtime routine alone when he’s at an elders’ meeting. It looks like going to work to help pay extra bills and using my degree and God-given gifts to see clients in my therapy practice. It looks like attending church to worship, enjoy fellowship, and make food for our small group.

On occasion, we host events in our home. I used to lead the moms’ group and sing in the praise band.

Do I teach Sunday school?

Absolutely not. I promise you don’t want me to.

Do I make food for every potluck?

Absolutely not.

Am I there every time the building is open?

Absolutely not.

And that’s okay.

We all have our own gifts and abilities, and extending beyond a comfortable reach—or doing things outside of our spiritual gifts—will not only frustrate us but can also lead to burnout. It may even prevent another church member from using their own gifts and abilities.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Now, is this always cut and dried?

Of course not.

Sometimes supporting your husband does mean cleaning the church bathrooms after a Saturday event so he can come home sooner. Are there always volunteers waiting to teach Sunday school if you’d just let them?

Hardly.

These are decisions you have to make as a family. You must decide where your boundaries will be and how you will honor them.

Every Pastor’s Wife Has A Different Calling

There are occasional pastor’s wives who have been called to serve the church in different ways. Some are deaconesses, which is an entirely different role in and of itself. Others may be hired by the church to serve in another capacity—perhaps working in the office or playing the organ.

Even then, the boundaries of those job descriptions need to be clearly established by both you and the church. Don’t allow yourself to become the “catch-all” employee—unless, of course, that is something you genuinely desire.

Each and every one of us is unique in our marriages, our gifts and abilities, our available time, and our desires.

Seek God’s counsel regarding what your role should be as a pastor’s wife, and then live faithfully within those boundaries.

Biblical Encouragement

Genesis 2:18

“Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’”

Proverbs 4:23

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Galatians 1:10

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people?”

Sarah Anderson, LCSW, PMH-C, provides counseling services for church workers in Tennessee through Lutheran Family Service. She offers compassionate, faith-integrated counseling that is grounded in clinical practice and shaped by a deep understanding of church life. As a pastor’s wife, Sarah brings unique insight into the joys, pressures, and challenges faced by those serving in ministry. She is also a certified Perinatal mental health specialist. Sarah sees clients in the Mid-South District of the LCMS (except for Arkansas and Kentucky) via telehealth. Reach out today.

[email protected] | 865-252-1570 | lutheranfamilyservice.org/contact