How Cohabitation Robs You of the Life You Could Have

Cohabitation: all the benefits of marriage without any responsibilities!

Sounds like it might be a good option on the surface, but it’s a pipe dream to which many have fallen victim. My husband, Pastor Robert Hinckley and I interviewed approximately twenty-five couples about their marriage, as we prepared for a class we taught and ultimately authored a book about success in marriage. Here’s what we found: All those who lived together before they married conceded they wished they hadn’t.

Some interviewees described their experience in retrospect as irresponsible and noncommittal, not as satisfying, and colored with a sense of shame in family situations. Others remembered felling guilt while they had sex, and the desire that their marriage ceremony would have had a greater sense of joy and celebration. One man said it best, “Living together messes with your heart because you are not all in. You feel obligated to them like you should be married, but then you do not have that commitment, and so you feel incomplete or lacking. God gave us marriage so our heart can fully give to and receive from the other person and be blessed by that.”

Cohabitation is perceived as a viable option because of two things: contraception and abortion.

Many who cohabitate believe they can have sex without consequences. Either they can depend on contraceptives to prevent pregnancy or, if a pregnancy results, one can always get an abortion. Abortion decisions are often made without awareness of the consequences to their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, not to mention the impact of ending the life of their child.

Modern contraception and legalized abortion have changed not only behavior but also what defines men and women’s roles. “Before the sexual revolution, women had less freedom, but men were expected to assume responsibility for their welfare. Today women are freer to choose, but men have afforded themselves the comparable option, ‘If she is not willing to have an abortion or use contraception,’ the man can reason, ‘why should I sacrifice myself to get married?’ By making the birth of the child the physical choice of the mother, the sexual revolution has made marriage and child support a social choice of the father.” Geroge A. Akerlof, Janet L. Yellen, and Michael L. Katz, “An Analysis of Out-of-Wedlock Childbearing in the United States,” Quarterly Journal of Economics 111, no.2 (May 1996): 277-317.

“Women want men to be men – the type who will protect, provide and defend,” according to Fox News’ Laura Ingraham in 2023. What has happened to the traditional man?

Cohabitation, modern contraception, and legalized abortion may hold the secret to the disappearance of the traditional man. Two friends of mine in high school had children out of wedlock. One gave her little girl up for adoption, then got pregnant again. The other became a single mother while her boyfriend left for Montana. Before the sexual revolution, these two friends would have likely been married to their baby’s fathers. That would have happened because the expectation – held over the thousands of years before then – was that the man was responsible for the woman he had sex with and that if his actions resulted in a pregnancy that he would accept the consequences.

Today, it seems the idea that men have equal responsibility for unplanned pregnancies has disappeared. We now live in a world where the natural consequences for cohabitation are children losing their lives through abortion or if born, growing up in uncertainty.

Besides the societal effects of cohabitation there are other troubling results for couples who make this choice:

Higher chance of experiencing infidelity

• According to LinkedIn, 44% of people cheat on their partners, according to a study involving unmarried individuals in monogamous relationships, while only 18-20% of married couples experience infidelity. Other studies conclude that you are twice as likely to be cheated on when living together than married.
• According to a study in Computers in Human Behavior, 18-25% of Tinder users are in a committed relationship while using the app. 2024 Smith Investigation Agency report
• Couples under 30 experience the most infidelity.

Mental health problems

• Cohabitation is associated with reports of more depressive symptoms than marriage.
• According to the Institute for Family Studies, mental health and physical health are significantly better in married people. It doesn’t matter one’s gender, age, education, income, church attendance, race, political ideology, and parental status when it comes to the mental health advantages of being married over not married.

Unequal benefits

You do not receive the same benefits, rights, and protections when you cohabitate.

• Tax and estate planning benefits
• Government benefits
• Employment benefits
• Medical, death, and family benefits
• Legal benefits and protections

Missing the blessings

Last but certainly not least, when you cohabitate you miss the wonderful gift God has prepared for you in marriage. Marriage is a covenant commitment not just between two people, but between them and the Lord. A Christ-centered marriage brings safety and security. A couple who truly keeps the Lord at the heart of their marriage has the potential to experience a multitude of blessings, and to inspire their children and others to Him.

If you or someone you know is considering cohabitation before or instead of marriage, prayerfully consider these realities and choose wisely! Lutheran Family Service is here to assist you with these kinds of decisions as you face them.

Lutheran Family Service counselor, Lindy Hinckley, tLMFT, serves individuals, couples, and families in person in Deadwood, South Dakota, and throughout the state via telehealth.

If you or someone you love desires the transformative change brought from eliminating shame and accepting grace, refer to or contact us today to schedule an appointment.

• Lindy Hinckley, tLMFT
• Call: 605-271-1081
• Email: [email protected]
• Web Form: http://lutheranfamilyservice.org/contact/

Lutheran Family Service walks with those experiencing difficult times through mental health counseling, marriage counseling, crisis pregnancy counseling, and adoption services.