Posted on October 14, 2024 by Karen Gotto, LMHC
Parenting
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Anger is a normal emotion we all experience, from infancy through old age. It is, however, a feeling that often gets labeled as “bad.” Starting to work with children at an early age on how to recognize and manage their anger is an important way to eliminate bigger anger issues in the future.
As I work with kids as young as 3 or 4, we start working on recognizing and labeling feelings. We often start easy with the basics of happy, sad and mad. When was a time you felt mad? What did it look like? How did people react? It is important for them to know anger is just a feeling that we all have. It isn’t bad, only the way we decide to express it can be labeled as good or bad.
Learning about and practicing how to express anger in a healthy way would be a next step, but kids also need to be able to identify how it is expressed in unhealthy ways so they can see the difference. The pattern of “this, not that” is important when teaching children in many areas of life – including how to deal with anger. When feelings of anger come, they need to know what is not acceptable (hitting, cussing, kicking, biting) as well as what is acceptable (talking about it, walking away, getting help from an adult).
Children can also start to learn at an early age what kinds of things “trigger” their anger. This might be things like being told no, being asked to do something they don’t want to do, or someone crossing a boundary with them. When they become aware of what kinds of things make them have the feeling of anger, it’s easier for them to regulate their response to situations, providing an opportunity to practice new healthy skills instead of old, automatic, unhealthy ones.
Learning to identify the early signs of their anger coming on can also help. If hitting is their normal expression of anger, what was happening in their body (i.e., face turning red, tensing of fists) might be clues that anger is building. When they can recognize it early they can learn to intervene early, choosing a better way to express the anger.
As the adult in your child’s life, it’s important to understand and be aware of your own anger response. If you don’t like it when Junior yells and hits every time he gets angry, but you find yourself yelling and hitting when you get angry, that’s valuable information to know! You, too, are more than capable of learning new habits. Setting an example of better anger management will be extremely helpful to your child, and life in your house will begin to feel better as a result.
Finally, it’s important to remember that – no matter our age – feelings accelerate if basic needs aren’t being met. “Hangry” is a real thing for adults and children alike! Checking to see if your child is struggling with hunger, thirst, or tiredness can also help to regulate emotions.
Karen sees clients at Lutheran Family Service’s Carroll and Jefferson, Iowa offices, and throughout the state of Iowa via telehealth.
If you or someone you know is in need of Christ-centered mental health or marriage counseling, refer to or contact us today.
Not located near the Carroll or Jefferson area? Visit our website to see if one of our other locations is near you, or, if telehealth/distance counseling is an option at: lutheranfamilyservice.org/mental-health-counseling.
Lutheran Family Service walks with those experiencing difficult times through mental health counseling, marriage counseling, crisis pregnancy counseling, and adoption services.
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