Posted on July 27, 2025 by Ruth Barz, LMHC
Mental Health
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In part one of our series on healthy boundaries, we looked at what boundaries are, discussed what it means to set healthy boundaries, and talked about the question of what God says about boundaries. In part two, we are going to look at some practical ways to set boundaries in marriage and parenting, and how to handle it when others don’t like the boundaries you set.
There is not a parent alive who hasn’t experienced setting boundaries, limits, and rules for their children and having children not like these limits. Most of us parents realize it is our God-given job to help our children learn self-control, responsibility, and how to successfully live on their own, but most of us would agree this is not an easy task and can be downright frustrating at times. Born into sin, our children – like us – don’t like to be told what to do or that they are missing the mark of God’s plan for them. We ALL rebel against boundaries, so as parents we can expect the same with our children.
Why is it important to set boundaries with our children? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend say in their book Boundaries with Kids that as parents our job is to train our children for the future and to help develop good character in them. Good character is not just about being honest or moral. It also affects how we are in relationship with others; how we handle our daily tasks; how we develop the talents we are given; and how we perform and meet the demands of life. “Character is always formed in relationship” (Cloud and Townsend, 1998), so one of our primary goals as parents is to help to form our children’s character so they will grow to be able to meet the demands of life.
Because we all want our children to be loving adults; to be responsible for their own feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, desires, and values; and to be free to live their lives responsibly – initiating, growing, and attending to reality, these end goals are best developed as children grow into adults. At this point, you may be feeling overwhelmed by this task of parenting. It is a tall order. Yet you have the Lord on your side, helping you to develop your own healthy boundaries and modeling these for your children.
Sometimes we, as parents, are afraid to say “no” to our children because we have become too dependent on our children’s love for our own unmet needs. We all need to feel loved and that we belong, but it is unhealthy to think our children are the primary way to meet these needs, because then we feel unstable when we say no and they get upset with us. God, our church family, friends, and our spouse are all ways to satisfy our need to belong. Your child will feel more secure and loved when you set boundaries for him or her.
In Cloud and Townsend’s book Boundaries with Kids, they go into detail about 10 different boundary principles kids need to know. One example is that of “sowing and reaping.” Basically, this means we will experience the consequence either positive or negative of our behavior. Galatians 6:7-8 states: “A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”
If we tell our child their chores need to be done before they go to play at their friends’ house or the result will be that they need to stay home, then we need to follow up with that consequence without nagging or displaying anger and resentment. When we give our children the freedom to choose – in this case – to do the chores and play with their friends – or not do the chores and stay home, we are teaching responsibility. When we lovingly apply the consequences, the child learns that their actions matter. Freedom, responsibility, consequences and love need to be held in equal measures.
If our child is free to choose and held responsible for the consequences of his actions, we will develop a loving person who is doing the right thing for the right reasons. If any one of these is out of balance – for example, more freedom granted than someone is held responsible for – then character problems grow. Or if someone is held responsible but is not free to choose, she is a slave and a robot, and she will not choose lovingly, but only out of compliance and resentment. Or if someone is free and responsible for something but does not suffer the consequences of misusing his freedom, then he develops character problems and ends up doing very irresponsible and unloving things. (Cloud & Townsend, 1998).
Creating healthy boundaries when teaching our children is not easy or always fun, but the long-term results are a huge blessing both for the children and others in their life. For a more detailed explanation on how to do this along with encouragement along the way, I invite you to read Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries with Kids.
By now you probably have a pretty good idea that boundaries are an important concept that affects all of us from children to adults. Thus, boundaries are also important in our marriage. For two people to love each other freely, they also must be able to disagree. This ability to disagree comes with the responsibility to do what is best for marriage. When our spouse does or says something that makes us angry, most of us are tempted to believe that our reaction is justified because “he or she made me react this way.”
But in reality, each of us is responsible for our own feelings, attitudes, behaviors, and choices. So, each of us has a part in the resolution of the relational problem whether it initially is our fault or not. In a marriage where there is growth, the ingredients of freedom, responsibility, and love need to co-exist. Because God loved us first, we can love each other and this love from God helps free us from our sinful self-centeredness, past hurts, and the patterns that have a hold on us. In turn we can gain more self-control and responsibility which makes us more loving, and the cycle continues in a positive way.
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend also wrote a book called Boundaries in Marriage in which they describe the same 10 boundary principles found in Boundaries with Kids but apply them to the marriage relationship. One of these principles is called “the law of responsibility.” Townsend and Cloud explain that although in marriage we are responsible to one another – to love, to care for, and to treat our spouse kindly – we are not responsible for our spouses’ daily responsibilities.
As a loving husband or wife, we are not called to rescue or enable any sinful or immature behavior of our spouse. Yet instead of our spouse’s behavior being the first thing we call attention to, we are encouraged to first take responsibility for our own hearts, and look at what we love, how we spend our time, and how we use our talents.
As Cloud and Townsend point out, we may need to look at ourselves to see if we “withdraw from our spouses’ anger; resent their irresponsibility; let go of our own responsibilities due to our spouse’s inattention; or become self-centered out of our spouse’s self-centeredness” (p. 65). Boundaries in marriage do not mean we rush to point out the faults of our husband or wife so we can set boundaries to get what we want. Boundaries mean we seek to grow in Christ by limiting ourselves so that we can “create an environment in which our spouse can become free to chose and grow” (p. 67).
For those of us who are married, we all have our own character issues that need some limit setting. Examples of this include our temptation to “play God” instead of stay connected to God through worship, prayer, and reading His Word. We can use denial to block out our own sinful nature instead of using confession to agree with the truth and allow ourselves to be emotionally present with our spouse. At times we withdraw from our relationship to avoid openness and vulnerability. Or we may become irresponsible to avoid the consequences of our actions. Likewise, our own self-centeredness, judgmentalism, and attempts to control, are all character issues that need to be brought under the control of God.
For two people to “become one” – God’s design – it works best when that union brings together “two complete persons,” which means each person is an individual with their own experiences, differences, and freedoms to grow in God’s design. God wants us to grow! When you live in daily relationship with another person you will learn, many times through pain and difficulty, the areas in which God wants to prune you to show you your need for Him and your need for one another. There are many conflicts to work through in marriage but if we can be open to feedback and take responsibility for our own part in the conflict or issue, without being defensive, growth and change are possible. For a much more in-depth look at the helpfulness of boundaries in marriage, I invite you to read Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
Sometimes the problems surrounding boundaries are complex and difficult to figure out. Please know that LFS counselors would be willing to meet with you to help in this process.
Henry Cloud and John Townsend (1999). Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices that Make-or-Break Loving Relationships. Zondervan.
Henry Cloud and John Townsend (2001). Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children. Zondervan.
Ruth sees clients at Lutheran Family Service’s Dubuque, Iowa office, and is available one day a week at the Bettendorf office, and throughout the state of Iowa via telehealth.
If you or someone you know is in need of Christ-centered mental health or marriage counseling, refer to or contact us today.
Not located near Dubuque or Bettendorf, Iowa? Visit our website to see if one of our other locations is near you, or, if telehealth/distance counseling is an option at: lutheranfamilyservice.org/mental-health-counseling.
Lutheran Family Service walks with those experiencing difficult times through mental health counseling, marriage counseling, crisis pregnancy counseling, and adoption services.
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