Posted on September 15, 2024 by Lindy Hinckley, tLMFT
Marriage & Relationships
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That was a huge hit for the Righteous Brothers in the 1960s. The song had another moment in pop culture when Tom Cruise belted out the song to Kelly McGillis in the movie Top Gun in the 1980s. Fast forward to today, do the song’s lyrics strike a chord in your life?
Feeling a chill in your marriage? A cooling marriage could be defined as a marriage without spark or love, when you and your partner are turning away from each other, and moments of connectedness or intimacy are rare. A cooling marriage is characterized by mutual withdrawal or feeling like your spouse has become a roommate. If this sounds familiar and you want to change your dynamic, read on to find 3 tips for a happier, healthier marriage!
Finding shared interests, pursuits, and hobbies that you enjoy doing together can be rewarding and fun! Look for new ways to enrich your lives that might even offer opportunity to connect through physical touch like holding hands. Some suggestions:
Explore options in your community or online for taking a class and learning a new dance. Don’t have a local dance club or class? Try dancing in your kitchen! My husband and I put on a record (we’re a little old school) and dance away our stress. It’s a great way to release energy after a long day at work!
Make a goal of identifying and exploring different walking trails in your area. Hold hands during your walk, especially during the steep or challenging parts!
Take turns picking events and try something new. Who can discover the most unusual venue: Zydeco, medieval folk rock or Tuvan Throat Singing, anyone?
This can be a great way to share your day with your spouse over a relaxed game of Gin. Reconnecting after a day away is important! While you play, talk about how your day.
Cool couples tend to turn away from each other and ignore the issue or find blame instead of common ground when conflict arises. This is how some conversations typically take place when the focus is on who is right and who is wrong:
Sally: “You were late for dinner again last night and I wound up eating alone. Again. What’s going on?”
Mark: “I was working. I sent you a text.”
Sally: “But you sent the text five minutes before you said you’d be home. I’d already made dinner!”
Mark: “Our meeting went late, how was I supposed to know?”
Sally: (feeling hurt) “You don’t even care about what I’m saying!”
Mark: (getting defensive) “I can’t control when a meeting goes late! Why can’t you be more reasonable?”
Sally gets teary eyed, walks off and shuts the bedroom door while Mark gets on his phone and starts angrily scrolling through social media.
Rather than arguing about who is right and who is wrong, focus on feelings. Instead of ignoring or blaming, turning towards each other in compassion is the antidote for alienation. Next time something arises that might lead to an argument, try having an “I feel” conversation. Remember that one person speaks and the other listens, until the speaker is done speaking. Then, the roles can be reversed. It is important to express appreciation for your spouse sharing their feelings, no matter if you agree with them or not.
Sally starts by saying: “I feel frustrated that I keep making dinner on time and yet we wind up eating separately.” Sally focuses on her feelings rather than Mark’s wrongdoing.
Mark could respond: “It sounds like you are feeling frustrated and lonely because you and I haven’t been able to eat together this week.” Mark does not defend himself he simply reiterates what Sally has said, demonstrating to her that she has been heard.
Sally might say: “That’s right. Maybe we can coordinate our schedules better so we can eat together more often. How does that sound?”
Mark: “I hear that you want to coordinate our schedules. It’s important to me that you don’t feel alone. Did I get that right?”
Sally: “Yes, maybe we can check in once a week and go over our schedules. Thanks for listening. How do you feel about this?”
Mark: “I have been feeling guilty about letting you down this week. I didn’t know how I could be home in time for dinner and also get all my work done. We have an important project at work, and I didn’t want to let my team down, so I’ve been working overtime. I’m sorry I didn’t communicate this to you.”
Sally: “I hear that you are feeling guilty and that you’re sorry for not coordinating better with me. You’ve been working hard but forgot to let me know about the new project. Thank you for sharing this with me. How you are feeling and what’s going on with you is important to me.”
Both listener and speaker feel validated in their feelings and that the other person understands and even empathizes with them.
Praying together can also be a hand in hand time, but this one is so vital I gave it its own category. There is nothing that can bring you closer together than sharing prayer time. You can each reach out daily to the Lord in your own private prayers and devotion time and then come together and discuss what you’ve read or discovered.
Two things have greatly increased the happiness in our marriage. First, my husband and I pray together every night, no matter what. It doesn’t matter if one of us is mad at the other or if we just had an argument, we ask for forgiveness from each other and then pray to the Lord for forgiveness as well. If things have gone well that day, we thank the Lord for each other, for our marriage, and for providing everything in our lives.
The second practice that has made a difference in my own spiritual journey and my marriage is asking myself, “What would a disciple of Jesus Christ do in this situation?” This challenging question has changed what I read, what I listen to, what I watch, how I eat, what I spend, how I treat others, and most importantly, how I treat my spouse. I encourage you to think more about your actions toward your spouse and how you can follow Jesus’ direction to, “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34).
Lutheran Family Service counselor, Lindy Hinckley, tLMFT, serves individuals, couples, and families in person in Deadwood, South Dakota, and throughout the state via telehealth.
If you’d like to pursue a happier, healthier marriage, refer to or contact us today to schedule an appointment.
Lutheran Family Service walks with those experiencing difficult times through mental health counseling, marriage counseling, crisis pregnancy counseling, and adoption services.
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